& nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp; The Anti-Christ

As we all know, New Testiment believers are waiting the emergence of the Anti-Christ who will rule the earth for seven years before his defeat in the BIG War.  It will all start in the Middle East.  Unbeknown to mankind in the beginning, the Anti-Christ is really SATAN'S representative on earth.  Many biblical scholars believe the Anti-Christ is alive now.  He will be charismatic, a known leader, and will lead the world to a short-lived peace, befoire his EVIL ways are revealed.  I have given this subject considerable thought, and I have tried to figure out who the Anti-Christ could be.  Here are some possibilities: 

Michael Jackson

The great retired Celtic basketball player - Larry Bird

Larry King Live

The great baseball pitcher - Randy Johnson

Prince Charles of England

Prince Albert of Prince Albert Pipe Tobacco fame

The son of the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken

Michael Jackson

His brother, Jamal

Senator Ted Kennedy

The King of England

The King of Spain

The President of Sears Roebuck

The President of the Salvation Army

Michael Jackson

Yes, the Anti-Christ will be someone you least expect.  But, be sure, he's coming.  And the Mark of the Beast, according to Biblical prophecy, 666, will be stamped on every living persons' hand or forehead;  and, if you refuse to have this done, you will die.  There are many people who don 't believe any of this, but, I am not one of them.  Say, I just thought of someone - I wonder if Johnny Carson is planning a big comeback?

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  More Scenes from the Injun Wars

Major Hooper

to his Men:  Men - it looks like this morning we ate our last batch of pancakes.  The fort is surrounded by 4,000 Indians who are about to attack, and there are only 44 of us.  Yes, Corporal Cranmore?

Corporal Cranmore:  But, Major - we should be able to put up a pretty good fight, shouldn't we?  After all, we got in a BIG shipment of arms a couple of days ago?

Major Hooper:  I was about to tell you about that shipment .... there's been a BIG mistake!  The Supply Sergeant opened the crates, and .... The Boy Scouts, 6th District, Harlan County, got our supplies by mistake, and we got theirs!  We got .... 14 crates of B - B guns with a note from the manufacturer which read:  "Good luck on your squirrel hunt this summer at Boy Scout camp" .... 18 crates of tent pegs .... 6 crates of candles .... 3 crates of Boy Scout jack-knives .... 2 crates of Merit Badges .... 14 crates of dried beef .... and, 9 crates of tin whistles.  And, it takes 12 days to reach us from the Supply Depot at Fort Henry.  Yes, Private Whitcomb!

Private

Whitcomb:  Major - why don't we ask the Indians if they'll hold off their attack for 12 days - in return, we'll invite them in for breakfast, give them 16 cases of King Corona cigars, 8 cases of 98 Proof whiskey, 4 cases of hand-held mirrors, and .... 9 cases of picture post-cards they can send to the tribes back home? 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    _________________________ __

Major Cranmore

to his Men:  Men - our rations are low, the rabbits have eaten all the vegetables in our little garden here in the Fort, a currier just arrived with news that the government is lowering our pay, our ammunition is about out, and the sinks are clogged in the kitchen with no way to unclog them, because the crates that were delivered from the Supply Depot at Fort Henry which were supposed to be a fresh supply of rubber plungers were only a crate full of dish- soap and towels. 

The Indians are willing to make a deal.  They'll not attack if we become Indians, become part of their tribe.  We'll have full citizenship and all the privileges they have - nice warm tent at night, good food, free War Paint, fancy buffalo-skin jackets, and all the sexy Indian women we want with their beautiful dark hair, cold black eyes, shapely figures, and inviting lips.

As for me, men, I ain't no dead hero - that sounds like an offer 'too good to be refused!'  I don't even care what the General says - I'm  g o n e ! !

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   _________________________ __

Captain Carlson

to his Troops:  Men - General Moore wants me to take 14 able and brave men and go into the wilderness for 100 days, explore and map the country as far as we can within the time limit - go due West of the Mississippi River.  Of course, the General isn't going - he won't step foot out of the Fort - he wants to stay where it's warm and cozy, hot food every night, play checkers with those soldiers he knows he can beat.  But, I have a plan .............

We'll do what we did last time, and no-body will know any better .... we'll go to the Indian Casino on the other side of the mountain, and play the Roulette Wheel, Poker, Black Jack .... stay with the Indian tribe, they're friendly, sleep in those nice, warm Indian tents at night, eat like Kings that marinated buffalo meat, smoke that  f u n n y  tobacco the Indians smoke.  Then, we'll fake a map .... make up a map to show the General - he'll never know the difference.  Yes, Private Dunbar, what is your comment?

Private Dunbar:  I'm all for it, Captain.  But, we've got to be more careful this time when we make the  f a k e  map.  Remember last time when we gave the map to a wagon train and they ended up two years later in New Hampshire!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;    _________________________ __

Major Harrington

to his Men in the

Field:  Men - General Buckingham has passed down the orders through Colonel Watkins that in 12 minutes we are to charge the Indians.  Are there any questions or comments?  Yes, Private Hickey?

Private Hickey:  Major.  We have some problems.  First, we ran out of powder for the cannon in the last battle.  Second, the wooden wheel on the supply wagon which carries our ammo fell off, and is beyond repair.  Third, Hadley by mistake last night forgot to lock the horse-stable door, and all the horses ran away.

Major Harrington:  Bugler - step forward and blow the alarm!

Bugler:  What do you want me to blow, Major?

Major:  R E T R E A T , you fool!  Blow  RETREAT!!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   _________________________ __

    & nbsp;  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;

    & nbsp;   Interview with an Alien from Outer space

Interviewer:  Where are you from and how did you get to Planet Earth?

Alien:  I am from the Planet Budweiser 900 light-years away in this galaxy.  My Planet is in the 9th Dimension, and I arrived in a Budweiser Can by Thought Force.

Interviewer:  What name do you go by, and who is the person with you?

Alien:  My name is Lite and this is my pretend-wife, Malt.

Interviewer:  What do you mean by 'pretend-wife'?

Alien:  Well, you see, we on Planet Budweiser are far far more advanced than you Earthlings.  Your earthly institution of marriage, as you know, is eroding.  We had that marriage concept a long , long time ago on Planet Budweiser, too.  But, fortunately or unfortunately, it died out.  We all need companions - it's an alien need, as well as a human need.  So, we male aliens take a 'wife', but, our marriage contract is a combination Marriage - Divorce contract.  We combine these two events, roll them into one event, as it were.  Saves money.  You don't have to get divorced, because you already are.  And, you don't have to get married, because you already are.  We do have an official ceremony at which both the Minister, Priest or Rabbi AND the Divorce Lawyer officiate.  And, yes, before you ask the question, we DO have religions on Planet Budweiser.  We don't allow Atheists on our Planet - makes for confusion, lawsuits, bringing up our children, et cetera.  Atheists have their own planet near ours - called Planet Hops.

Interviewer:  How long have you been visiting Planet Earth, and what is your assessment of our life-style?

Alien:  We've been here, by your standards, three weeks.  Our evaluation of Planet Earth is that .... the people are NUTS!

Interviewer:  What are some examples?

Alien:  We could give many examples.  You watch television - you get three minutes of news or a show, then, three minutes of advertising, then, three minutes of the show, then, three minutes of advertising, back and forth.  The shows are lousy, the news is depressing - the Programmers should just schedule the whole hour advertising! 

Here's another STUPID thing - you see  l o n g  lines in stores, hordes of people lined up at cash registers to pay, wasting their time standing there.  On Planet Bud we just go into any store and take whatever we want, and walk out the door.  It all balances out.

Interviewer:  Do you have Wars?

Alien:  We don't have Wars on Planet Bud.  Wars are STUPID!  Wars are fought over occupation of lands.  We solved that problem long ago.  When you are born, you automatically, under the law, own the whole Planet.  So, everybody owns everybody else's land - there is no need to go to war and fight for land!

Interviewer:  How about fighting for oil?  Don't the machines in your world need oil? 

Alien:  Good question.  No, our machines don't run on oil.  They run on Thought Force.  You just put your clothes in the washing machine, think that it's running, and it does!  That method applies to all machines.

Interviewer:  Do you have elected officials?

Alien:  No, we eliminated them a long time ago.  We don't have ANY officials.  We, the people, make our on-going decisions on the spur of the moment.  Much more efficient that way.  And, we don't have any bills, too much paper-work, too time-consuming.

Interviewer:  What do you do with all this extra time you have manufactured?

Alien:  We just sit around under trees all day and sip beer and shoot our ray guns into the air to dissolve birds flying over-head.

Excuse me - there goes my Cell-Phone.  "Hello - hello - yes, this is Lite.  Oh, Malt and I will be right there.  We have to go back now to the Planet - some out-of-town relatives just arrived.  We'll just hop right into our space ship Beer Can, and ........." P O O O O O F!!!

Interviewer:  Well, I'll be damned!!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        Hard Rock Music

I HATE Hard Rock Music!  Among several definitions of the word 'music' in the dictionary is "an agreeable sound."  Hard Rock gives me violent indigestion!  How anyone can listen to such 'garbage' strains my usually fertile and expansive imagination!

Hard Rock Music reminds me of Hard Rock Candy.  If you are not careful, you can break your teeth into little pieces when you bite down on a piece of Hard Rock Candy.  When you listen to Hard Rock Music, if you are not careful, you can break your brain into little pieces, too. 

I just do not understand how those thousands of people can go to these concerts, pay big money for a ticket, scream themselves hoarse, and frantically wave their arms in the air .... while five, six or seven half-naked guitarists with their ear-piercing synthesizers turned on full-blast, jump up and down like orangutans, with  p u f f s  of smoke belching from some mechanical device in the rear, and  multi-colored lights criss-crossing the stage like you are at the airport!

I don't get this coming out on the stage and playing for three hours in your underwear.  And, the favorite dress of the drummer is stripped to the waist with suspenders - now, there's a Paris fashion, if I ever saw one!!!! 

I have seen what I have just written!

The music itself is really challenging and imaginative.  Every song, to use the term loosely, is written in a  Minor Key with only two chords, sometime three.  The lead singer shouts so incoherently that you can't understand a word he's saying, and he massages the microphone with his lips dripping drool like a mad dog with rabies!

What has surprised me, though, is I have seen a number of television interviews over the years with band members, and aside from the drugs, which is stupid, they are an intelligent bunch of fellows.

One of my sons, a good guitarist himself, says I am looking at these Rock Bands the wrong way.  His perspective is they are an 'act', not to be taken seriously.  Well, perhaps I am a bit harsh in my assessment - after all, P. T. Barnum's Circus had some weird acts, like the  f a t  lady, the two-headed kangaroo, the guy who would swallow a flaming sword, and I would shout and wave my arms, too, when the monkey with the wooden leg would kick the seeds out of a dill pickle in eight seconds!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   Cell Phones

The guy who invented Cell-Phones should be put on a raft with six days of food and shipped out to sea on the next wave!  Oh, I know - there are some few instances where a Cell-Phone warrants this advance in technology, where somebody's life is saved because of a Cell-Phone, where a highway robber is caught because someone called the State Police on their Cell-Phone, or, a woman with her six children in her van out on Route 66 called a garage to come and fix her flat tire .... but, all in all, Cell-Phones are primarily used by insecure individuals who just can't be away from their 'security-blanket' friends and relatives for more than 10 minutes.

Recently I was about to turn right at the corner of my street, when a neighbor's green van came around the corner on two wheels.  The lady driver was struggling to turn the wheel with one hand, while with the other hand she held a Cell-Pbone to her ear, you could see her yanking away to someone.  I had to swerve to the right to avoid being hit!

Just today a young lady came out of the local super-market as I was going in .... chawing away on her Cell-Phone, talking so loud the pigeons on the roof flew away.  And, people use these Cell-Phones inside stores,  restaurants and street-cars.  I'm not interested in other people's business, but, I'm forced to hear it.  If I wanted to hear what's going on in other peoples' lives, I'd join the CIA. 

One day I actually saw a guy talking on his Cell-Phone while he was sitting in his car in his own driveway!  Now, that makes a lot of sense.  He could get out of his car, walk 20 feet to the door of his house, walk inside and another 10 feet to his house phone, and use it.  But, I guess it's just a matter of 'keeping up with the Joneses' using a Cell-Phone, even though it's more expensive. 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    Have You Noticed That ....

Football managers pace back and forth, never stop pacing, back and forth, back and forth .... drives me  c r a z y  .... I get nervous just watching them ....

The Lone Ranger and Tonto marched in the last Gay Pride Parade?

Batman and Robin did, too ....

No matter what politician gets elected, your life remains exactly the same, good, bad or indifferent?

Street car conductors never smile ....

Breeds of dogs that don't bark are less friendly ....

Your insurance bill goes up every year, even though there's little or no inflation ....

Mail-men don't play the violin ....

People who chew gum a lot are nervous types .... 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;  SUE!

Much has been said and written about the copious number of law-suits brought in today's society.  People will sue you at the drop of a hat.  In fact, I heard of a case where a lady did sue a man because he dropped his hat at her feet in the super-market at the vegetable counter.  He said it was accidential, but, she claimed he did it on purpose so he could look up her dress.  He is claiming a Constitutional Defense:  Pursuit of Life, Liberty and Happiness in Looking.  The case is scheduled for court in two weeks.

In another case a lady sued her dentist claiming he had  b a d  breath!  She won in court $22.00.  A man brought suit against his Dry Cleaner claiming his pants went in color dark gray, came out Palm-Beach light-blue.  A woman is suing a T-shirt manufacturer for gender discrimination because they marketed T-shirts which had printed on them:  "A woman's idea of a square deal is one in which she comes out ahead."

There are probably many theories as to why such a law-suit conscious society.  My own idea is that people are just plain irritable and looking for trouble when they have to pay $300,000 for a four-room house, no bathrtub, just a shower, and no garage .... $23,000 for a new car that starts to need repairs after two years .... a monthly electric bill big enough to re-shingle the house .... and, college tuition big enough to be a down-payment on the Grand Canyon!  What's your theory? 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;       Ask Mister Malcolm

Write your questions to Mister Malcolm.  He will answer them in the next edition of the newspaper.  Now, here are this week's questions from readers:

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  Is there any truth to the old expression:  "You can't take it with you?

Answer:  None whatsoever.  As a matter of fact, you CAN take it with you!  In the light of the new Quantum Physics which has its roots in Einstein's Relativity Theories, you definitely can take it with you.  It gets pretty complicated, but, basically it all revolves around Multiple Realities and Planes of Simultaneous Existence, and Materialization-Demateria lization Energy Transfer, et cetera.  Go in to any well-stocked book-store and you'll find plenty of books on the new Quantum Physics-Mathematics which will tell you how to TAKE IT WITH YOU.  As a matter of fact, I have already transferred some of my belongings to my next Place of Existence.  Great Grand-pa's old rocking chair, for one - he called for it, so, I shipped it over by Thought Force.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  There's a female, she's always after me - she chases me all around and never lets me alone.  I am a boy age 14 - it's the lady down the street and she's age 37.  What should I do?

Answer:  Oh well ...... you've gotta start some place .........

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  I am a young boy and I want to learn to play the drums.  But, my mother wants me to take clarinet lessons.  What should I do?

Answer:  Compromise - do both ....... instead of using drum-sticks, beat the drums with a clarinet!

Question:  Dear Mister Malcom:  My house burned to the ground.  I lost my business, and I'm divorced.  I just don't know what to do with my life from now on.  What do you suggest?

Answer:  Join the French Foreign Legion.  The life-expectancy time in battle used to be eight seconds - they've improved that to 14 seconds with the new jet-propelled camels.  Besides, if you work your way up to the rank of Sargent - they might let you blow Gunga Din's old bugle!

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  Does cigarette smoking really impair your health?

Answer:  Of course not - cigarette smoking is perfectly healthy.  Some years ago research was done on this - the researchers took a man, a heavy chain smoker, and had him run around a big building block three times.  He never made it around once.  Now, the anti-smokers jumped on this and said .... "See, the man had no wind, he couldn't breathe properly - therefore, smoking IS hazardess to one's health!"  However, they distorted the facts.  What REALLY happened was there was a fire in a 4th-story apartment, and the firemen roped off the entire block.  So, the runner couldn't finish!  Another thing - the anti-smokers point out that a smoker has BLACK lungs, while a non-smoker has PINK lungs.  So, what does THAT prove?  Crows are BLACK and they fly all around and seem to be healthy ...!!!

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  What is the fiercest land animal?  Also, what is the fiercest bird?

Answer:  The fiercest land animal is .... now, this may surprise you .... a certain breed of squirrel found mainly in Australia.  This little fellow runs to and fro gathering his nuts and is quite tame and peaceful, except when aroused!  One time the Australians put this little squirrel in a ring with a bison and told the little squirrel the bison had just raided the squirrel's store-house of nuts.  The little squirrel whipped that bison in 33 seconds!  Oh yes, that breed of squirrel is polygamous.

Now, the fiercest bird is the Brazilian Muck-A-Duck.  This bird is about the size of a barn sawllow, has big red eyes almost the size of his head, and has a rotar-blade on the rear of his tail, like a helicopter.  He is a song-bird and sings so sweetly that the other animals in the forest  c r y !  However, there is one thing that infuriates this usually peaceful little bird - that is, if someone interrupts him while he's singing.  A  g i a n t  bald eagle made that mistake one day - that bald eagle's head is stuffed and mounted on the Muck-A-Duck's living room wall!!!

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  My mother-in-law came to visit us 16 years ago and she's still here .... thank goodness.  She's a wonderful person.  It's her daughter, my wife, I can't stand!  How do I get rid of her?

Answer:  Call this number .... 1-800-232-8080 .... ask for Al .... tell him Mister Malcolm sent you.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  I am 15 years old.  I am a boy.  I don't like lolly-pops anymore .... I like girls.  What do I do?

Answer:  Call this number .... 1-800-948-1600 .... ask for Laurie .... tell her Mister Malcom sent you.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcom:  There's a neighbor who leaves his dog out all night.  The dog barks all night and I can't sleep.  What can I do?

Answer:  Call this number .... 1-800-567-1233 .... ask for Sam .... tell him Mister Malcolm sent you.  He'll ship you one, Air Express .... with ammo.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  I have a singing canary.  But, all the songs he sings I don't like.  He learned them in the pet shop before I bought him.  How can I retrain him to sing the songs I like?

Answer:  Simple.  Give him the sheet music to the songs you like.  Put a B- B gun to his head, and tell him he's got until tomorrow noon to forget the others, and to learn the new songs.  I guarantee you by tomorrow morning he'll sing "Swanee River" like you've never heard it sung before!

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  I am a taxi driver.  I like my job, but, I don't make enough money.  What should I do?

Answer:  You could go into another occupation, which I understand pays very well once you establish a reputation.  And, your background in the taxi business would be helpful.  You could become a .... Taxi-dermist.

Oh yes ..... there is a new field soon to be opening up - I don't have all the details yet, but, it'll have something to do with tax accounting for dentists .... Taxi-dentist.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  My boy wants to take up a musical instrument.  What would be a good instrument for him to practice?

Answer:  Whatever instrument he seems to like - let him make the final decision.  But, there is a new musical instrument that is very practical.  The boy can be learning music and have the fun of playing ..... but, at the same time he will learn something about the wood-lumber business in case someday he wants to be a carpenter or work in a lumber yard.  It's called a Tuba-four.

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  What is the smallest bird in the world?

Answer:  The New Zealand Rockabird.  It's average height is only 1/4 of an inch.  It sits on a branch and rocks back and forth.  Now, this little bird is the ONLY bird in the world which is NOT hatched.  It is GROWN from planted bird-seeds.  The people in New Zealand  buy the seeds in little packages in the local Farm Feed stores and Pet Shops.  The seeds are planted in any fertile ground late spring.  The growing time for each little bird is six weeks, two days.  When ready the little bird just POPS itself off the plant stem and flies away.  Oh yes, it comes in colors usually bright yellow, pale green with a dash of red, black and blue.  I should mention, too, that it sings a little song over and over and over .... "Rock-a-bye ba - by, on the  t r e e - top ...."

Question:  Dear Mister Malcolm:  What is the shortest life-span insect in the world?

Answer:  It's called the Eight-sect.  That's because it's life span is only EIGHT seconds.  It is found mainly in the tropical rain forests.  Breeding time is two seconds .... incubation time is three seconds .... delivery time is one second .... and, life span is EIGHT seconds.  So, from conception to death is a total of 14 seconds.  In fact, for many years my next-door neighbor was Jan Tartz, well-known in the scientific community as an outstanding biologist and bugolgist.  It was he who coined the common expression .... "Now you see 'em, now you don't." 

The Land of Nonsense was authored by Artist Bill Bowers in 1981.  It is a potpourri of  w a c k y  humor,  z a n y  poems, and home-spun philosophy. 

It seems as if there is not enough laughter in todays society.  Everyone, not yet retired, runs around trying to make a buck to pay a BIG mortgage and BIG car payment.  There's no time for humor. 

Where are all the funny movies we had in the old days?  Where are all the old light-hearted, tintillating and re-freshing cartoons like Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse, Popeye, Little Orphan Annie, Smilin' Jack, The Lone Ranger with Tonto, his faithful Indian companion, who never learned English, all he can ever say is 'Ugh kee-mo-savy'!  He pees behind a cactus plant out in the desert, then, goes in a McDonalds.  The clerk says ... "May I help you?"  Tonto says ... "Give me an Ugh kee-mo-savy on toasted bun with lettuce, tomato and catsup". 

I hope The Land of Nonsense injects a little humor into your otherwise stressful life - and, remember, do not ever take yourself too seriously - I never do! 

    & nbsp;  Penalty in Paradise - Two Arab Boys Talking

Mohammed:  Say, Abdul - I have a question for you - what happens if you set your Suicide-Dynamite Belt off accidently, and, no Israelis die with you - do you still go to Paradise like the Imam says?

Abdul:  Yes, but, there's a Penalty.  That's what happened to a friend of mine - he set his Belt off accidently before he wanted - and, last week he telephoned me from Paradise - here's what happens:

1)  Instead of getting 72 slim, naked, virgin, young dancing girls 24 hours a day when ever you want, you get 35 plump women over 70 who used to work at Dunkin Doughnuts ...

2)  You have to work one day a week at McDonalds ...

3)  You still can go to the Waterfall of Gatorade, but, there are NO paper-cups to use to drink ...

4)  You will have a bed with NO mattress ...

5)  Four nights a month you have to work the night-shift at the garbage dump, and ...

6)  NO television allowed in your room.

So, Mohammed - you'd better make sure that when you blow yourself up, you take a few Israelis with you - after all, what's the sense if you're not going to enjoy all the 'goodies' in Paradise the Imam promised us!?

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        PHYSIC MEDIUMS

Physic Mediums or Trans-Mediums are people who claim they can create a 'channel' between you and a now departed love one in Heaven.  And, the Medium delivers messages to you from the departed Soul.

There was a television show on a couple years ago - I haven't seen it on lately - a Physic Medium, a man about age 45, would do readings for the audience.  The people who wanted to be 'read' were nearly always women.  Women are always the ones interested in physic things, such as Astrology, Tarot cards,  Numerology, Mediums, and the like - men usually scoff at such things.

I remember one time the Physic Medium on the television show did a 'reading' for an older woman in the audience who was sitting next to her daughter.  The mother was holding the daughter's hand and in the other hand she had a handkerchief covered with tears.

The Medium said ... "I see a Spirit coming to me ... a man ... he has white hair and a cane ... he says 'hello' to you, and, he says to tell you he is fine - do you recognize who he is?"

"Oh yes", says the woman in the audience ... "That's my grandfather on my mother's side - he died 14 years ago."

Medium:  "And I see a small dog - did you have a dog"?

Woman:  "Yes, but he was a BIG dog."

Medium:  "Oh yes, he is walking toward me, getting closer, and, you're right, he is a BIG dog.  He just barked twice."

Woman:  "He used to bark twice when he wanted to go out.  I hope they let him out, now that he's in Heaven.  Ask grandpa how's  my sister, Jean?"

Medium:  "Grandpa says your sister, Jean, is fine."

Woman:  "How would he know?  He's in Heaven, and, my sister, Jean, is sitting behind me in the audience!"

Many years ago I did an investigative study of these Physic or Trans-Mediums.  There was an 80-year-old man who had an extensive reputation for being a Physic Medium.  I went to him for a 'reading'.  He charged me $5.00.

We went to a 2d floor bedroom in his modest Cape Cod - his wife, quite along in years, stayed in the 1st floor living room.

I sat down in a chair across the room, and, he sat down in a chair that rocked and squeaked.  He kept rocking back and forth, and, that squeak about drove me 'nuts'!  I had brought a tape recorder, and, he said it was alright if I taped the 'reading'.

He started out with a 'bang'!  He said a Spirit came to him, a man about 5'6" or 7" tall, thinning hair turning grey, medium build, says to say 'hello' to me ...did I recognize him?"

I told the Medium he just described my deceased father.  Then, the Medium 'blew' the whole deal!  He asked me if his name was Arthur, I said NO.  Then, he asked me if his name was Paul, I said NO.  Then, he said, how about Carl?  I said NO.  Peter?  NO.

Later in the 'reading' or seance, he said I was going to meet a woman who spoke French and we were going to open up a restaurant.  That was 27 years ago, and, I'm still waiting!

One time I went to a weekly Spiritual meeting with a lady-friend of mine.  There were about 22 people.  We met in a small room on the 2d floor of a brick building in the Boston, Massachusetts area.

The Trans-Medium or Physic Medium was an older man.  He stood up front and started calling up the Spirits from the Next Dimension for each of the persons beginning with the first row.  My lady was dressed in a red pants-suit, and, I had a navy-blue blazer with gold button, and, gray pants, dress shirt and tie.

Each of the Spirits gave greetings to each of their friends and/or relatives in the small audience;  also, the Medium, as he closed his eyes for a clear 'channel', passed on from the Spirits predictions of things to happen to each of the listeners. 

I remember when the Medium said ... "The lady in the red pants-suit in the back row, and, the man sitting next to her in the navy-blue blazer.  The Spirit says you are going on a cruise-ship to the Bahamas this spring."

Well, that was 29 years ago, and, I'm still waiting!

I have concluded that these Trans-Mediums, or, Physic Mediums, or, Clairvoyants, or, whatever you want to call them - smoke the 'wrong' tobacco, and, have allowed themselves to be brain-washed into thinking that they actually can communicate with Departed Souls. 

And, naive, gullible people swallow this nonsense 'hook, line and sucker'!  And, often pay big money to participate in this fraudulent hogwash!

P. T. Barnum of Circus fame once said:  "There's a sucker born every minute, and, two in the bushes ready to take him!" 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ; Scenes from the Injun Wars

"Men" ... said the Captain ... "we're hopelessly surrounded by 10,000 Indians, and, there are only 14 of us.  Are there any last words any of you would like to say?  Yes, Private Hargraves?"

"Captain  ..,. you're a BLOCK-HEAD ... I TOLD you we should have turned LEFT at the gorge, not RIGHT!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   _________________________ __________

"Hadley" ... said the Major ... "we've marched 92 days, we've gone in a big circle and we're back where we started.  What happened to your compass?"

"Major, sir ... the needle on my compass got  b e n t  and scraped some of the numbers off the dial."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  _________________________ ____________

"All right, men" ... said the Captain ... "the General will be here any minute on his horse for the Review.  I want you to stand  c r i s p.  And,  p l e e z e  check your weapons to make sure they're EMPTY!!!&nbs p; I DON'T want a repeat of what happened last time when Courtney accidently fired a musket-ball into the crab-apple tree and a bushel of crab-apples landed on the General's head!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; _________________________ ____

"General ... an Injun Scout just came in under a Flag of Truce ... here's their latest offer:  they want Union wages and they'll compromise, come down from 28% to 17%automatic annual increase in pay ... forget the dental insurance, they've got good teeth ... they'll come down from 46 sick days allowed a year to 23 ... they still want a 15-minute coffee break in the  morning and afternoon .... but, they won't budge on the issue of 50% ownership in the company-owned pizza parlor!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  _________________________ ________

"General ... this Fort is surrounded by 40,000 Indians, and, there are only 400 of us.  Any minute they're going to attack, they'll burn us out, we don't have a chance ... why don't we just give up?"

"Colonel Stuart ... to suggest such a thing ... you're a coward, a yellow-belly, a disgrace to the uniform of the United States Cavalry ... on second thought ... tell Corporal Hinckley to go see the Indians under a Flag of Truce and tell 'em they can HAVE the place ... besides, it's drafty here in the winter!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;    _________________________ ____

"Men" ... said the Captain... "we've come a long way.  We've marched for 104 straight days ... up mountains, through thick forests ... we've waded through swamps and fought snakes ... we've fought Indians and more Indians.  The only thing I can't figure out is - why did the Colonel give us this marching order in the first place ... we haven't accomplished a damn thing!!?"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; _________________________ _______

"Stanley ... tell the men to saddle up - we're pullin' out of here at midnight!"

"Where're we going, Captain?"

"Who the Hell cares ... as far away from them Indians as we can get!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    _________________________ ______

"Dunbar ..."

"Yes sir, Colonel?"

"Before the Indians attack, run over and get my uniform out of the dry cleaners, whil' ya? - they said it'd be ready by Tuesday."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; _________________________

"General, sir ..."

"Yes, Corporal, what is it?"

"There's an Injun Scout who just came through the main gate under a Flag of Truce and he wants to see you."

"Show him in, Corporal."

"Ugh, General ..."

"General Bluster's the name ... never mind that silly sign lamguage .. what is it?  Spit it out, man!"

"General ... Chief say he no attack Fort, if you give him your wife for squaw ..."

"What? ... Give him my wife!?  Sacrifice my dear wife of 33 years!?  Put her in bondage as an Indian squaw in return for my lone, insignificant life!?  My dear dear beloved and devoted wife!? ............... Oh, Martha ... would you get dressed, dear?  You're going on a little trip ............."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;    _________________________ __

"Men", said the Captain ... "I've just received the most valuable and timely information from one of our spies.  The French army is coming over the mountain at this very moment, and, is going to join forces with the Iroquois tomorrow at dawn at the River Pass.  Thanks to this valuable information, I have a counter-plan ... let's GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; _________________________ _______

"Well, men - it looks like this is our last.  There are only 23 of us, and, there are 4,000 Indians in those woods about to attack.  Does anybody have anything to say?  Yes, Corporal Mellonbrace?"

"Lieutenant ... you are an EGG-HEAD!  I TOLD you we should have stayed back at the Fort, where it was nice and warm, and, we played Canasta every night.  But, n o o o o ... YOU had to be the BIG cheese and run out and chase Indians .... I TOLD you the R. O. T. C. at Boston University is ONE thing, and, fightin' Indians is ANOTHER!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;  _________________________ ______

Da da dum da dum, da da dum da dum ... da da dum da dadity dum ...

Too ta toot ti toot, too ta toot ti toot ... too tity toot ti toot ...

Da da dum da dum ... too ta toot ... da dity ... toot ti dum ..

"Ah, Yardley, just listen ........... you know, Yardley ......?

"Yes, sir, Captain?" ...............

"There is nothing more stirring than the da dum da dum of the drummer, and, the too ta toot of the bugler.  But, there's just one thing ... I wish they'd change the Academy rules ..."

"What's that, sir?"

"I wish they'd give these guys GUNS when you've got 10,000 Indian arrows comin' at you!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;  _________________________ ___

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   Is There One Not Afraid to Die?

"Is there one not afraid to die?"  asked the Captain.

"I am not afraid to die, sir", said the young lad, as he stepped forward to the front of the rank.

"State your name, age and rank, son", the Captain said.

"Albert Clayhorn, sir, age 14 ... drummer boy, 5th Regiment", the lad replied.

"Do you realize", said the Captain, "that this Fort is surrounded by Indians ... that they have their scalping knives ready ... they DON'T take prisoners - and, that the odds for successful completion of this mission are 40 - 1 against you?"

"I understand, sir", said the boy ... "but, someone has to do it."

"All right", said the Captain ... "take the wagon with the two horses hitched, and, here's the ORDER" ............

"112 pizzas with onions, peppers and mushrooms .......

33 with mushrooms and peppers only ......................

1 plain for Lieutenant Johnson ................................

62 hoagies with the works, toasted ..........................

16 hoagies with the works, untoasted ... leave the cole-slaw out of 2 of 'em .............................................

76 Pepsi Colas - 2 diet ... 19 orange ... and, 29 Mountain Dew .....................................................

Oh yes, and tell Louie to put more cheese on 'em this time ..."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;    Lotteries

Have you ever wondered why it's always some guy who lives many states away who wins the 40-million dollar lottery ticket?  It's never somebody in your state, or, a state even near you.  Of course, it's never a guy in your home-town, or, even YOU!  I often wonder if anyone even DID win? 

The lottery people could pay someone, say, a hundred and fifty bucks to say he won - then, the lottery officials could 'bank' the rest and vote themselves a nice, big pay-raise.  Oh well, that's far-fetched.  And, I guess it was far-fetched, too, when the Wright Brothers said they were goin' fly, and, when Edison said he was goin' invent the light-bulb.

I've always said the lottery people should pay out far, far less per winning ticket, and, have many, many more persons win, rather have one guy win 668 million! For instance, have a lot of people win $150.00 per week - why, that would buy a good pair of new shoes.  Spread it around more - that's what I say.

What do you do with 128-million, anyway?  You give up your old house of only three bedrooms and one and one-half baths and a single-car garage.  You buy a seven bedroom job with eight baths and a nine-car garage.  Plus, you relocate to a plush neighborhood where the people speak Latin to each other, and, they never shop at Wal-Mart.

So, even after you buy a half-dozen Mercedes, and, go to night-school to brush up on your English grammar, you still have mucho-millions left over.  What do you do with it?  You give it away to charities - that's what you do with it.  

Yes, I still maintain it's better to have many more persons win smaller amounts on a regular basis.  Spread it around.  A little Socialism never hurt anyone - just ask the Sweds! 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp; Think Tanks

There are what is known as Think Tanks.  There are lots of them. Many are located in Washingtin, D. C., where the action is.  

There are 'liberal' Think Tanks.  There are 'conversative' Think Tanks.  There are 'foreign policy' Think Tanks.  There are 'economic' Think Tanks.  

I interviewed a member of an 'economic' Think Tank.  I asked him to describe a day at work.  He said:

I go into my office, close the door, sit down, and, think all day.  I am surrounded by hundreds of books on shelves, manuscripts, research papers, essays, newspaper editorials, magazine articles; and, I have my computor, calculator, slide rule, reams of note-pads, enough pens to fill the locker-room on a battle-ship, and, 144 boxes of Kleen-X to wipe the sweat from my brow.  I also have one fat-free baloney sandwich in my lunch bag in 1 g. sugar, 100% whole wheat bread, a cookie baked in pure olive oil imported from Scandinavia, and, a one-liter diet Pepsi - to eat at my desk at lunch-time, so that I can continue to think.

I asked him what he does with all his theories and advanced knowledge.  He answered that his primary mission, aside from writing a few dozen books and accumulating a few Ph.D.'s, is to testify before Senate sub-committees, which he does about every five weeks, and, to go on television news shows a couple times a week.

I asked him how he handled talk-type shows where the people phone in their uninformed opinions and asked dumb questions?  He answered:  I handle them the same way I parry Senators' questions at sub-committee hearings ... I double-talk, I mix verb tenses, I crown dangling-participles with sparkling conundrums, and, descend into the lexicon of a primative Brazilian pigmy tribe.  Nobody knows the difference nor cares, anyway - after all, have you ever heard two economic professors agree on how best to run the economy of the country?    ;  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        The Biggest ZERO

I started violin lessons when I was age six.  I've done a lot of church work as an adult - you know, Bach, Handel, Beethoven, Mozart, all those good guys.

I've written, words and music, and copyrighted with the Library of Congress, 288 folk-type songs.  I am particularly proud of my 11 Civil War songs - they are really good, in my opinion.

I've recorded about 80 or 90 of these songs at home on my four-track tape recorder.  I play all the instruments - guitar, banjo, bandola, fiddle, harmonica, tambourine.

I asked my violin teacher one time - what is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?  He said you call it a violin when you play classical music, and, you call it a fiddle when you play country music.

I love music - I've got music 'in my blood'.  I love classical music.  I am a jazz lover.  I freak out when I hear Blue Grass.  I love the old mountain music.  I love to hear Ann Murray and Emmy Lou Harris sing.  I love the Eagles and the Beach Boys.  I think the Beatles were great!  

A couple of years ago I was 'surfing' the television stations.  On one station was a re-run of a Rolling Stones concert.  I watched it for a half-hour or 3/4 of an hour, or so.  I was mesmerized.  I couldn't believe what I saw!  It was like my old, original college major, Sociology - the study of group behavior.  And, Psychology - the study of individual behavior.  I thought to myself ... "Gee, this is like taking a re-fresher course in Sociology and Psychology, and, it doesn't cost me a dime!"

For that entire concert period the lead man -  what's his name, Dick Slager, Rick Hager, Mick Some-body-or-other - did the Groucho Marx duck-walk at a fast pace from one side of the stage to the other, gurgling and shouting into a hand-held microphone partly devoured by his fat lips.  And, the usual flashing lights and dry ice vapor enveloped the stage to divert attention away from the lack of music, while the audience in the thousands screamed deliriously thrusting their clenched fists into the air.

After it was all over and my numb brain returned to normal after a few minutes, I thought to myself ... "That was the biggest ZERO I have seen in my entire life!". 

It was scary!  It was not the performance that was scary - it was the sight of all those people screaming, crying, some women fainting, many of whom I'm sure smoked the 'wrong' tobacco. 

Just think - those young people are tomorrows' mayors, dentists, auto mechanics, electricians, plumbers, financial advisors, aircraft designers.  Do you want a dentist like that drilling your teeth?  Or, fixing your automobile?  Or, wiring your house?  Or, designing the aircraft in which you're going to fly?  Think about it!

Ye gods, it's scary - those people can vote, buy guns, and, have babies!!! 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        The Biggest ZERO

I started violin lessons when I was age six.  I've done a lot of church work as an adult - you know, Bach, Handel, Beethoven, Mozart, all those good guys.

I've written, words and music, and copyrighted with the Library of Congress, 288 folk-type songs.  I am particularly proud of my 11 Civil War songs - they are really good, in my opinion.

I've recorded about 80 or 90 of these songs at home on my four-track tape recorder.  I play all the instruments - guitar, banjo, bandola, fiddle, harmonica, tambourine.

I asked my violin teacher one time - what is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?  He said you call it a violin when you play classical music, and, you call it a fiddle when you play country music.

I love music - I've got music 'in my blood'.  I love classical music.  I am a jazz lover.  I freak out when I hear Blue Grass.  I love the old mountain music.  I love to hear Ann Murray and Emmy Lou Harris sing.  I love the Eagles and the Beach Boys.  I think the Beatles were great!  

A couple of years ago I was 'surfing' the television stations.  On one station was a re-run of a Rolling Stones concert.  I watched it for a half-hour or 3/4 of an hour, or so.  I was mesmerized.  I couldn't believe what I saw!  It was like my old, original college major, Sociology - the study of group behavior.  And, Psychology - the study of individual behavior.  I thought to myself ... "Gee, this is like taking a re-fresher course in Sociology and Psychology, and, it doesn't cost me a dime!"

For that entire concert period the lead man -  what's his name, Dick Slager, Rick Hager, Mick Some-body-or-other - did the Groucho Marx duck-walk at a fast pace from one side of the stage to the other, gurgling and shouting into a hand-held microphone partly devoured by his fat lips.  And, the usual flashing lights and dry ice vapor enveloped the stage to divert attention away from the lack of music, while the audience in the thousands screamed deliriously thrusting their clenched fists into the air.

After it was all over and my numb brain returned to normal after a few minutes, I thought to myself ... "That was the biggest ZERO I have seen in my entire life!". 

It was scary!  It was not the performance that was scary - it was the sight of all those people screaming, crying, some women fainting, many of whom I'm sure smoked the 'wrong' tobacco. 

Just think - those young people are tomorrows' mayors, dentists, auto mechanics, electricians, plumbers, financial advisors, aircraft designers.  Do you want a dentist like that drilling your teeth?  Or, fixing your automobile?  Or, wiring your house?  Or, designing the aircraft in which you're going to fly?  Think about it!

Ye gods, it's scary - those people can vote, buy guns, and, have babies!!! 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   It's The Rage

It's the latest 'rage' - a pill for men to 'get it on' - when they have trouble doing so in later age, or, when they suffer health problems.

Last count had four pharmaceutical companies competing with chest-thumping television ads proclaiming their product best for men who tearfully recall the 'good ole days' when ...

The ads are heart-wrenching - they show a woman, presumed to be the wife - with a gushing, silly little knowing smile on her face, looking at her rejuvenated 'hero', as they sidle up to one another, and, she gently pats him on the 'butt'.  Oh yes, he's ready now, thanks to the local drug store.

I hear tell the pharmaceutical companies have now come out with a love potion for women, too, who need to be revitalized.

The next thing you know is ... you'll be eating lunch at the local restaurant, and ... a couple will be 'doing it' on top of a table, because they can't wait until they get home!

And, speaking of 'rages' - what is this one sweeping the country like influenza - 28-year old, married, female school teachers 'doing it' with their 14-year old boy students!?

That never happened back in the days when I was a boy in school - damn!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;Television Home Shopping

My cable TV brings me 66 channels.  It seems as if every other channel someone is trying to sell something, channels which are taken up entirely to market some product which we can't do without another day or suffer a complete psychological or physical collapse.  I believe this is called HOME SHOPPING.

Let's start with JEWELRY.  That's where the ego-starved buyers phone in to hear their name in greeting broadcast over the air-waves, to say hello to Margie or Alison, the program's co-hosts, who say "Hello Josephine, it's soooo  n i c e  to hear from you,  d a r l i n g" ... in voices dripping with the purest Vermont maple syrup.  Well, you'd oogle too, if someone just paid you three-grand for a ring or bracelet worth about a dollar twenty-eight! 

I heard a lady yesterday phone in and chat like they were all next door neighbors for twenty years.  She had just bought a bracelet first marked down from the original price of $5,999, then priced at $4,999, then marked down to $3,999, and, she was over-whelmed with joy to have bought it for $2,999.  And, the previous week she had purchased a ring for the amazingly low price of $1,999.  Well, there goes Aunt Lucy's inheritance!

Another one of those HOME SHOPPING channels is the women's clothing channel.  You know, where the models didn't quite make the big time POWERS MODELING SCHOOL in New York City.  Where a woman can buy a pants suit for $27.00, and, that includes the belt.  You go to a house party and four other women are wearing the same thing, and, all peach colored, too!

But, the one that tops them all, the one that fractures my jocular vein are the channels which market those EXERCISE MACHINES.  There are as many different kinds as there are Carter's Liver Pills.  The guys who demonstrate are so muscular in places where I don't even have places!  And, the women who demonstrate with their fairy-godmother figures are all blue-eyed blondes who look age 27 at a distance, but, when the camera gets up close, more like 37 and counting.  And, the prices they want for these machines could be a down-payment on a condo in Bermuda! 

Or, how about the fella who is going to show you how to get rich buying real estate foreclosures.  Just send him $399.00 and he'll send you a course book.  He makes it sound so easy; as if all the foreclosures are within a four-block radius of your house, and, all you do is walk next door, down the street, or, around the corner and pick up the keys of the new houses you now own without any down-pay - and, in a few short weekends you can quit your job at the factory, and, your wife can quit her job at the bank - and, you both can sail around the world in that 40-foot blue-and-white power boat they always have at anchor in the background at the Bahamas by the mansion in the commercial - while the real estate guru selling his course chats with a couple who tell of their rise from mediocrity and a dull life to a new life of sparkling burgundy, poached salmon and caviar on the stern of a big yacht with the visor of the dashing Captain's Cap shielding the Bermuda sun.

It's amazing how a mere $399.00 investment can change your life! 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;     TWO PERCENT (2%) LAW

Allowing myself a Standard Deviation Error of 5%, I maintain that all Human Endeavors revolve around two percent (2%).  Put another way, it is agreeable to my Rational Self to conclude, without causing undue inner stress, that various aspects of Mankind may be measured in arithmetric terms of two percent (2%).  Apply two percent (2%) to any condition you wish, but, here are some to get you started ... 2% of the population .......

Are bank robbers, caught and are now serving prison terms...

Have robbed banks, but, are not yet caught .....................

Would like to be bank robbers, but, don't dare ..................

Husbands who intensely dislike their wives .......................

Wives who intensely dislike their husbands .......................

Husbands who would actually shoot their wives, if it wasn't against the Law ............................................................

Wives who would actually shoot their husbands, if it wasn't against the Law ............................................................

Husbands who HAVE shot their wives, and, are now in prison for it ...........................................................................

Wives who HAVE shot their husbands, and, are now in prison for it ...........................................................................

Are Gay, and, have 'come out of the closet' ......................

Are Gay, and, have not yet 'come out of the closet' ............

Are narcissistic, amoral, sociopathic, megalomaniacs ..........

Are truly good persons who wouldn't harm a Soul ...............

Are naive enough to think that a bird doesn't s--- ..............

Of persons who learn to play a musical instrument, play it well .............................................................................

Of persons who learn to play a musical instrument, only 2% play the trumpet ...........................................................

Like lemonade ..............................................................

Like string beans ...........................................................

Like lamb ......................................................................

Like to do dirty dishes ....................................................

Know who Pocohontas was ..............................................

Can tell you George Washington's birthday ........................

Can tell you Abraham Lincoln's wife's maiden name.............

In what country Ivan the Terrible lived ..............................

Can tell you what B. C. stands for ....................................

Can tell you whether your next door neighbor's mother-in-law wears a wig .............................................................

The number of baked beans in a 16 ounce pot ....................

Can tell you within 50 the number of members of the local YMCA ............................................................................

Are color-blind ...............................................................

Can speak Latin .............................................................

Can speak Dutch ............................................................

Can shout loud enough to be heard one-half mile away .......

Know the meaning of the words: termagant ... pusillanimous ... lugubrious ............................................

Wash their soxs twice a week .........................................

Go to the dentist every six months ..................................

Pay the dentist on time .................................................

Know how many  z e r o s  there are in one billion .............

Know how many  z e r o s  there are in one trillion .............

Can explain to you Einstein's Theories .............................

Are even interested in Einstein's Theories .........................

Hire someone to cut their grass .......................................

Have a mortgage under $300,000 ....................................

Have two new cars with no car payments ..........................

Can recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag in Greek .....

Can tell you where Barbados is on the world globe .............

Can tell you the name of the Biblical David's father............

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; Add to the List ........................................... 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         BIG  HEADLINES

    & nbsp;  J. P. McGook, he died home in bed,

    & nbsp;  No BIG newspaper headlines, not a word that he said;

    & nbsp;  But, the Mayor, when he died, they printed his last

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   speech,

    & nbsp;  Even the folks on vacation, could read at the beach.

    & nbsp;  Why do they publicize, make such a BIG deal,

    & nbsp;  When a  Movie Star dies, in her high heels?

    & nbsp;  BIG newspaper Headlines, say that she's gone;

    & nbsp;  We're supposed to cry, and look forlorn.

    & nbsp;  What ever happened, to Elmer McBride?

    & nbsp;  Is he still around, or, has he since died?

    & nbsp;  You'll know the 1st day, when a celebrity goes,

    & nbsp;  You can bet that he went, dressed in fine clothes!

    & nbsp;  I haven't seen Andy, or, his brother Damp,

    & nbsp;  In a long time, down at the summer camp;

    & nbsp;  I wonder if they're ... both still alive?

    & nbsp;  No BIG newspaper Headlines, to say that they've died.

    & nbsp; When some BIG celebrity, you don't even know,

    & nbsp;  BIG bewspaper Headlines, you know when he goes;

    & nbsp;  A Funeral Procession, 400 BIG cars,

    & nbsp;  With chauffeurs, white gloves, police sirens ... heard

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;    afar!

    & nbsp;  What happened to the little man, the man on the

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    street?

    & nbsp;  Nary a Headline was printed, about his retreat;

    & nbsp;  But, the BIG politician, so suave and so kind,

    & nbsp;  The day that he dies, grabs all the Headlines!

    & nbsp;

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   The French Foreign Legion

Toot toot tooty-toot ... toot ta tooty-toot ... Dum da dumdy-dum ... dum dididy-rum

Ah yes, Francois - what a stirring sight - just look at those brave soldiers marching in the BIG parade!  Those Men of Fortune, Men of Valor and Courage - the soldiers of the French Foreign Legion.  Listen to the drummer-boy and the bugler, Francois - reminds me of the night of the BIG battle with the Heathens ....

Gee, Major - what happened?

Well, we were all sitting down in the Mess Hall in the Fort eating Pizza delivered from Joe's Take-Out Pizzaria two sand-dunes over.  When all of a sudden at that most unpropitious moment, the bugler in the bell tower started blowing the Call to Arms on his bugle, a warning that the Heathens were about to attack!  The notes were  s o u r, because in a previous battle a bullet struck the bugle and cracked the brass.

Gosh, Major - what did you all do?

We jumped up from the tables, washed our greasy, tomatoey hands, and, ran to our posts in the Fort looking out over the sand-dunes - it was dusk.  We could see the Heathen hordes, thousands of them, about to attack.  I took my place behind my Gatteling Gun,a hand-cranked, barrel-rotating machine-gun which could fire 28 rounds per minute - believe me, in those early days, that was fast!  Now, here come the Heathens, charging over the sand-dunes, racing towards us on their latest jet-propelled camels, firing their long-rifles ... pow ... pow ... pow ... pow ... powpowpow ... We fired back ...pow ... pow ... whiz - zing went the bullets in the desert night air!

Gosh, Major - what happened next?

Well, Francois, you won't believe it ... a desert sand-storm came up suddenly and completely enveloped the Heathens ... they had to retreat, their long-rifles now clogged with sand and their turbins unraveling in the desert winds!  We went back to the Mess Hall to finish our pizza, which had to be reheated in the Fort's ovens - you know how  c o l d  pizza gets after a very few minutes.

Gosh, Major - that was some story!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   General George Armstrong Custer

When General George Armstrong Custer and his 7th Calvary were killed by the Indians in 1876 down by the Little Big Horn River River in Montana, he had a meeting with his men just before the Indians attacked. 

It has recently come to light that there were minutes recorded of this meeting by a reporter for the Montana Weekly Bugle.  These minutes were discovered in a trunk in the attic of an old house in Montana originally owned and occupied by the reporter's Uncle Ned Parsons. 

The reporter was allowed to escape by the Indians, because he had a sign on his hat and a large sign hanging around his neck which read:  P R E S S.  Here are the minutes of that meeting:

General Custer:  Men - as you all know, we are surrounded by 10,000 Indians and they are about attack.  But, there is some solace in that we'll all get our names in the history books.  Do any of you have any last words?  Yes, Private Willoughby?

Private Willoughby:  General - you're a BLOCK-HEAD!!!  I knew you made a mistake when you split the Forces at the ravine by the mountain, and, I'm only a Private!  As far as the history books go, you're the only one who'll get his name in a history book - the rest of us aren't high enough rank!  I'm clearing out of here! 

General Custer:  Wait ... wait ... don't go!  We need your rifle!  I'll make a deal with you.  I'll promote you right now to Lieutenant, so that you get your name in the history books.  Is that a deal?

Private:  Make it Captain, and, I'll stay.

General Custer:  ; O. K., you're now a Captain.  In fact, I now promote all my men to the rank of Captain, as of right now.  Are there any more questions?  Yes, Corporal Hargroves, or rather, Captain Hargroves?

Hargroves:  General - I'd like permission to leave for about 20 minutes.  I want to pick up my uniform at the Dry Cleaners.  I might as well die in a clean uniform. 

General:  Go ahead, Hargroves.  Yes, Captain Dunbar?

General - why don't we just give up?  Tell the Indians we really like them.  I think we've all got some Indian blood in us somewhere along the line.  My great grandmother on my father's side was a Black-foot.  I'll tell 'em when I was a kid and we used to play Cowboys and Indians, I always played Indian!  The Hell with this Glory bit -  I'd rather be alive now, than to have some stranger read my name in a history book 200 years from now! 

General Custer:  ; No, Dunbar - we must not give in to our inner instincts of survival.  We must die for a greater cause, the cause of Glory, Duty, Honor, Tradition.

You know, men - now that I think of it ... those Indian arrows are awfully damn  s h a r p ... and, getting a 'hair-cut' with an Indian scalping knife doesn't exactly appeal to me either!

Whitmore - go out to the Indians under a Flag of Truce and tell 'em, if they spare our lives, we'll give 'em ... 48 cases of Diet Pepsi ... 200 cases of Grandma's Homemade Cornbread, 16 cases of Jack Daniels best whiskey ... and, enough guns and ammo that'll keep them in business for at least another 55 years!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;  Sea Battles

First Officer on

Ship's PA System:  Attention, All Hands!  The Lookout has just reported there are two torpedoes heading straight for us.  They are 1,200 yards away and are traveling at a speed of 22 knots - they should strike us in about two minutes + 38 seconds.  As you know, we ran out of diesel fuel yesterday afternoon and our engines stopped.  Since then we have been drifting listlessly in the ocean.  We're DOOMED!!!!  Tell the Captain - where is he?!

Yeoman 1st Class

Hayward:  The Captain left in a big hurry about 40 seconds ago.  The last I saw of him he was going over the horizon furiously rowing a life-boat, and, mumbling ... "I ain't no fool - I'm clearing out of here!  I can always get another ship, but, I can't get another me!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;   _________________________ ___

Captain to

His Men:  Men, all 14 of us have been in this life-boat, after our ship was sunk by the enemy, for 44 days.  We've seen land six times, but, couldn't get to it;  then, we'd be carried away from the land by the current, back out to the deep deep ocean.  We're down to the last of our water, cold beans, and Grandma's Homemade Cornbread.  It looks like we've seen the last of Ole Pete's Barroom down at the waterfront.

But, if we ever do survive, "Hadley ... I'm going to beat the brains out of you for forgetting to put the oars in this life-boat!!!!"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   _________________________ ___

Captain to

His Men:  Men - here we are trapped in this tin-can submarine at the bottom of the ocean 4,000 feet down with depth-charges exploding all around us.  Oh why, oh why, didn't I stay in the Boy Scouts in my little warm bed in my little dry tent in the little safe woods?!  But, I chose to serve my country, sacrifice my life, perhaps, for the good of the many, be a mature, serious grown-up man who my fellow citizens would gladly follow as their leader ... ...

All right, Duncan ... it's your turn ro deal the next hand of Pinochle ..."

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;       ___________________

Captain:  All right, men - clear the decks for action!  The whole enemy's Navy is coming at us.  He's got destroyers, light-cruisers, heavy-cruisers, battleships, air-craft carriers - hundreds of them!

And, we're in a 90-foot patrol boat - let's get the Hell out of here!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        _______________________

Officer of the Day

to the Men:  Men - we're sinking!  Our ship is full of holes from enemy shells.  Water is coming in fast, and, we only have another 15 minutes to be afloat.  So, take to the life-boats.  Bye the way, where's the Captain?  I haven't seen him in two days?  And, how come there are supposed to be 29 life-boats, but, there are only 28?

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;   _________________________ ___

Captain to his Men:  Men - our ship's rudder is stuck from enemy shelling, and, the ship is traveling at a speed of 12 knots in ever-diminishing circles.  The ship's Navigator has just informed me that he has computed our course of smaller and smaller circles with each rotation.  His calculations are that in 46 minutes our ship with all aboard will swallow itself up and disappear into the next dimension!

Yeoman Peterson - would you please play Auld Lang Syne on your Penny Whistle, and, crew members, kindly join in and hum softly, in harmony - Key of D major, please .........

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;    _________________________

Captain to his Men

over the Ship's PA

System:  Men - this is your Captain.  The enemy ship is gone, but, not before wiping out our kitchen with a 9 mm round.  Well, it looks like we won't be eating before we reach Port in another six days!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;       ________________________

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;  The Archaeological Dig - Part I

Professor

Whithington:  Yes, Duncan - what have you found?

Duncan:  Professor - I just dug up this bone - what is it?

Professor:  Good work, Duncan ... good work!  You've just excavated the knee-bone of a Tex-arama-poly-hexa-mesa- doxol-grima-sadis.

Duncan:  Holy smokes, Professor - what's that?

Professor:  I don't know, Duncan - I just made it up - but, we've been out here in this lonely continent for four years and we haven't dug up a thing for ther museum.  We can't go back to the museum empty-handed, plus, our Federal funding is about to run out.  Say, where are Miss Chisholm and Richard?  I haven't seen them in a while?

Duncan:  The last time I saw them, Professor, they were going behind a bush.

Professor:  Well, they're always going behind a big bush.  Those young college students have to remember that the Federal Government doesn't intend to subsidize whatever they do in the bushes.  We all have to keep digging.  All we've come up with in four years of excavations is six squirrel skeletons, a rag-doll made by some Aztex Indians back in the 16th Century, a primitive checker board made by those same Indians, four empty baked bean cans left by some campers about 10 years ago, an empty bottle with the label which reads:  "Rubbing Lotion for Tired Feet", and, a worn-out Boy Scout Handbook with a message written on the inside cover which says ... "Good luck, Jimmy", signed "Your Scout Master, Mister Ross."

Here comes Putnam, Randolph, Miss Treadmore and Miss Holmes ... looks like they've got a big skeleton they're carrying.  "Hello, hello, young people!  What have you got?"

Young

Students:  Look what we've dug up, Professor ... it's a Cari-ar-tipus-trex-a-do-g in-a-mus-pi-ron-a-du.

Professor:  I never heard of that one.

Students:  Neither did we, Professor.  We just made it up.  We'll just tell them back at the museum we unearthed a new type Dinosaur.  They won't know the difference.

Professor:  Ah yes, good thinking ... good thinking!  Let's break off and have supper. 

Run over to the McDonalds behind the BIG pyramid and bring back BIG Macs enough for everybody, mashed potatoes, and, Diet Cokes.  Per usual, charge it up on the Government charge card.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;     -- to be continued --

Students:  Neither did we, Professor.